Radical Acceptance in Counselling and Everyday Life
Emily Blyth, Person Centred Counsellor, MBACP ACC, Practising Hippy
Radical: An extreme stance, a overhaul of common practice. To be audacious in thinking.
Acceptance: Receiving the person/situation/feeling in the here and now. Recognizing the other.
I’ve often wondered if there was a word or phrase that came close to how I have felt about other people—being curious and not judgmental about what got them to the where they are in life. During person-centred counselling training I found ‘unconditional positive regard’ (UPR) and thought that was it. But it didn’t seem to quite cover it. The more I thought about Rogers’ core conditions, the more I thought and felt that radical acceptance was, empathy, congruence, and UPR all mixed together.
So what is radical acceptance for me? I’d define it like this:
Having the open curiosity to find out about the other person and meeting them where they are (metaphorically). Letting go of what you believe and wanting the other person to believe it. Having an accepting phenomenological view (even if it doesn’t match your own) of the other person’s view. All the while conveying, empathy, understanding, a safe space for the other to express themselves and separating the person from the actions/behaviours. Being able to be honest without judgement.
There have been times in my life where I was practicing radical acceptance and never realised. As a child I was told, like most people I’d imagine, that I should hate Saddam Hussain. This was during the Gulf War in the early 90s, after the Iran-Iraq war and all of the atrocities that took place while he was president of Iraq. I remember thinking, ‘We shouldn’t hate anyone, we’re all humans!’ After expressing this naive thought, I was shamed into believing I was wrong.
Moving along my timeline, an encounter regarding David Cameron had the same outcome. ‘You should hate him, he’s a Tory’. Coming from a working class family and background, I was old enough to realise where this came from and knew too well not to express my, ‘But we’re all humans’ argument.
Fast forward to doing my counselling degree in 2017 and Donald Trump had hit the headlines. Most of the people I know including myself had seen his election as president as a major setback to American politics and a giant threat to humanity. During a lecture I’d found myself saying out loud ‘If only Carl Rogers we’re alive, I bet if Trump spent some time with Carl and the core conditions, he might be an alright guy afterwards’. Some of my peers were less than non-judgmental.
Radical acceptance can be conveyed in so many ways and on so many different levels. When my son does something we deem as ‘bad’ I don’t tell him his bad, I explain that his behaviour is bad. Hopefully I am conveying that, regardless of his behaviour, I accept him as a good human who sometimes doesn’t make the best choices; and if we take time to look at what was driving those choices, in a safe non-judgmental way, then he’s likely to understand and build on it. Hopefully this will impart this way of being on to him for the future.
As an adult I understand and no way condone the behaviour, mass killings, and destruction that was caused under Saddam Hussain. I am anti-Tory politics through and through, and believe Jeremy Corbyn is the leader we all need. I can absolutely understand how my bold statements throughout the years may have made others uncomfortable or think differently about me. Like, ‘How can someone who professes to want to always show this kind of love to other humans do so with people who have done such awful things?’ That’s where the ‘radical’ comes in. Being progressive is often making a stand and being brave. Overhauling beliefs that have been entrenched in society, families, politics, and popular culture.
Being curious about others and the way they act is in no way condoning their immoral, unjust, or anti-humanitarian behaviour. It is, in fact, a way of helping people grow and sometimes giving them the potential to change. As a person-centred counsellor this is my way of being in and out of the counselling room, this is my way of modelling to clients what encounters with other people might be like. And just like my son, it might (hopefully) help others to act in similar ways.
Sharing these accounts of how I have conveyed radical acceptance has in a way left me vulnerable and I’m relying on the reader to show me some radical acceptance. Is this a flaw in the argument for radical acceptance? To be understood you must be radically accepted? Does that mean then that it only works if everyone acts the same way? How brave do you have to be to stand up and say, ‘I don’t agree with his politics but he might just need a hug, some love, and a bit of understanding’?
Acknowledgements
Image by Derick McKinney on Unsplash
